i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
