I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
