$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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