last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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