Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
