i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
