Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
