Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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