my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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