There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
