My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
