Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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