he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.