Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
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You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.