dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My apartment stinks of burning failure
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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