im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
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Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest