I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.