Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.