someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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