I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
