I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
