If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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