White coat. Heels.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
