How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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