Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
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Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
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He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything