They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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