Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
