How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
