two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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