Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
