Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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