Kiss
Puke
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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