Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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