They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
