She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
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