if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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