Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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