oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I could make wine with my vomit
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
