Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
