Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
