i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
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You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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