She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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