I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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