I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
