At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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