I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
