If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
