just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
