i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You ruined the universe
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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