Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
