I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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