I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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