Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
