P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
