i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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