You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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