Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
