i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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