I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
