Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
