Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
