Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
