just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think people are normalizing furries
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
